It’s been one of those days where I woke up feeling sluggish and discouraged all day long. I’m really not sure why, but the harder I tried to break out of it, the worse it got. We are in the process of trying to get our house up on the market, so I don’t really have time to take a day off. But no matter what I tried, I kept sitting back down, discouraged before I even started, because there is just so much to be done.
You see, it isn’t so much that my day went badly because of external things; it went badly because I let my fears and anxiety overwhelm me. What God is asking us to do is a big deal, and requires a large amount of work. I’m not afraid of the work…I’m afraid of working hard and still not getting it right. Cleaning and decluttering don’t come easy for me. If I’m honest with myself, I’m afraid that I will try my best and still not be good enough. In my head I know God has this all figured out. I know that the way I know the sun will come out tomorrow. But still, I fret and I worry because I am afraid I will somehow screw it all up. Sigh…
So with God’s warped sense of humor it is fitting that he used my kids to teach me a lesson tonight. Both of my kids love riding bikes and playing outside, but they both are filled with anxiety over it. JD learned to ride his bike several years ago, but every summer he fights us getting it out, afraid he is going to fall or it will be too hard. For a kid with muscular and sensory issues, I understand. Balance and control don’t come easily. Still, I force him out. I know that no matter how much he fights me, once he’s on the bike and out with his buddies, he will go from wobbling to hot dogging it in no time at all. As you can see in this photo, he’s clearly very proud of himself.
LittleMissSunshine has never learned to ride without training wheels. She has some depth perception issues, so she didn’t even start to ride a bike in any form until a few years ago. She is also very anxious about riding without training wheels, afraid she will lose her balance and that she will fall over. So we are using a special method with her to teach her to ride: we’ve removed the training wheels but are not asking her to use the pedals for now. For the time being she is just to push along with her feet on the ground, to help her get comfortable with her balance on the bike. When she feels comfortable, she will push those pedals and take off! She got very down on herself tonight for not getting it fully tonight, but I reminded her of how far she had come in just a couple of hours. Tomorrow we will take another step, and soon she will take off on her own. This is the girl who taught herself basic skateboarding last fall, so I know she can do this!
Sitting here writing this up, I hear God talking to me. I can see the bigger picture with my kids and their bikes. I know they’re wobbly at first. I know they might fall. I know they are afraid. But I also know they WILL ride their bikes, and that they will love it. God is trying to point out the same thing to me: he knows I’m nervous. He knows I don’t know what I’m doing. But he does. And he knows all the fun that I will have once I get up and get going. Sigh…I will try again tomorrow!